My vision of myself as a mother is not the woman I was last night. A few nights of 4 a.m. wakings mixed with female issues do not a happy Mommy make.
He did not fall asleep until near 11, I did not until near midnight. Then, the dreaded 2 a.m. wake up whine came...and it all went downhill from there. He was fussy at first, surely because of another evil tooth on the verge of arrival, so I gave him ibuprofen expecting he would soon feel better and be able to rest again. His plans were different, he felt better and he wanted to play! I tried my hardest to (gently) force him back to sleep for another hour, to no avail. At one point I contemplated letting him cry it out, but I wasn't built for that, some nights I wish I was. I melt at the sound of his or any child's cries, they are truly heart-wrenching to me, I sometimes wish I was a little less emotional and affected by things like that and some days I'm glad I'm so overly sensitive.
By then, it had been 2 hours already and I was cranky, to say the least. I took him out to the living room thinking maybe he hadn't had enough dinner and was hungry. I got him some Cheerios and we sat and read a book and were peaceful for a while, until he started to throw the Cheerios on the floor and try to stuff them into the couch creases...the boy is one year old and rules and commands like "No!" don't really register completely with him but I proceeded to tell him no, but I didn't just tell him, I yelled at him...several times. He looked at me with this confused and forlorn face, like "but, I thought we were having fun?" It was really an eye-opening incident for me. I don't want to be that mother who yells at her kids when its really unecessary, I've seen it in action and not only is it nerve-wracking but its counterproductive in most situations. So, I sat there staring at that doe-eyed little angel who brings me more happiness than I could ever imagine and he smiles and kisses me....how beautiful and forgiving these little creatures are.
By the grace of God, Steven woke up and told me to sneak back in the bedroom and get some sleep. I could hear Cooper in there squealing and squawking with delight....at 4:30 in the morning! He and I were running on 2-3 hours of sleep and I have no clue how he was still going! Steven brought him back to me around 5, and he proceeded to want to play and dawdle until he finally passed out around 6...when my alarm goes off. I got up and left a voicemail for my amazingly understanding (male!) boss that I would be in late. So, I did get another 2 hours of sleep.
This boy has been a super-sleeper for a while now, barring any teething nights or illnesses, and I sat there contemplating what might be causing his restlessness and wakefulness but came up with nothing besides new teeth.
What I did come up with is guilt for not being the kind of Mom I really want to be in this situation...and in many nighttime situations. I want to be calm, nurturing, caring, and selfless. I want to be concerned more with his health, happiness, and well-being than I am with my impending 6 o'clock alarm buzzing. I want him to know that his Mommy will be there for him when he's uncomfortable and doesn't feel good or can't sleep....I don't want to be B@*$^y and impatient and worried about surviving and being halfway coherent at work on 2 hours of sleep. Other women have had to do it, and some do it with grace too....its just part of being a Mom, right? I pray and have prayed that someday (sooner than later) I'm able to find that grace and selflessness and just accept that this is bound to happen and surely will many more times in his life. It just doesn't seem like nocturnal gracefulness was ever in my cards, I'm too much of a sleep-lover.
From the words of my dear friend Tressa, his youth is only a 'short season in' my life and I will miss it when its gone, so I need to appreciate every little nighttime kiss and hug and cuddle while I can get it, even if I'm missing sleep, right?
Whille I may regret publicizing my meanness for all the world to see, my excuse is sheer exhaustion and the effects of only 4 broken hours of sleep. Plus, I thought if I blogged about it, I'd have to hold myself accountable to being a better nighttime Mom. :)
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3 comments:
Awe Megan! I know from experience how hard it is at 2am when you are dog tired to be patient with that little one... none of us are perfect and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. You'll learn from it and do better next time. :)
You are definitely one of the best, most caring and loving moms I know. Nighttime parenting is tough, even for the most gracious of parents. Samuel has had a few nights just like you described right around Cooper's age, too. Dr. Sears says it's because of their newfound freedom in being able to walk. You probably handled it better than I did. It'll pass, just like it all does. You're a great mommy!
Megan, you truly are one of the most caring moms I've ever met. What you did was nothing to beat yourself up over, but on that note....good for you for knowing the kind of mom you want to be and holding yourself to that. (Now we know why poor Coop was up all night though : ( hope he is feeling better!)
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