I am an overthinker and overanalyzer hence the reason I hardly ever post blogs, it has nothing to do with the lack of content, just can't figure out how to make things concise or just pick one topic! So, I'm just going to write a few things that are in my head today in bullet format. Why? Because I know everyone is waiting around with bated breath to read the latest installment of my blog.
-Nobody blogs anymore, hardly any of my friends are posting and I miss it! Come on guys!!! I dare you!!!
-My son is an incredibly sweet, lately moody toddler boy who has unknowingly discovered new paths and crevices in my heart and filled so many of the empty holes.
-Being close to 30 is so much better than being in my early, or even mid-20's. Things are so much easier now, having a more rational vision of what life should be, knowledge that life, myself, and others cannot live up to my expectations, and being at peace with that (most of the time).
-Increasingly annoyed with those who often use the phrase "are we still in high school?" and act the most adolescent. Although I've been guilty of this in the past.
-I'm intentionally trying to ignore the economic/political turmoil in our country. Ignorance is bliss, right? How irresponsible of me as a voting citizen!
-Anybody know how long cows milk stays safe to drink if not in the fridge? i.e. in a sippy cup for hours?
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
My Quest for selflessness, Grace, and REST
My vision of myself as a mother is not the woman I was last night. A few nights of 4 a.m. wakings mixed with female issues do not a happy Mommy make.
He did not fall asleep until near 11, I did not until near midnight. Then, the dreaded 2 a.m. wake up whine came...and it all went downhill from there. He was fussy at first, surely because of another evil tooth on the verge of arrival, so I gave him ibuprofen expecting he would soon feel better and be able to rest again. His plans were different, he felt better and he wanted to play! I tried my hardest to (gently) force him back to sleep for another hour, to no avail. At one point I contemplated letting him cry it out, but I wasn't built for that, some nights I wish I was. I melt at the sound of his or any child's cries, they are truly heart-wrenching to me, I sometimes wish I was a little less emotional and affected by things like that and some days I'm glad I'm so overly sensitive.
By then, it had been 2 hours already and I was cranky, to say the least. I took him out to the living room thinking maybe he hadn't had enough dinner and was hungry. I got him some Cheerios and we sat and read a book and were peaceful for a while, until he started to throw the Cheerios on the floor and try to stuff them into the couch creases...the boy is one year old and rules and commands like "No!" don't really register completely with him but I proceeded to tell him no, but I didn't just tell him, I yelled at him...several times. He looked at me with this confused and forlorn face, like "but, I thought we were having fun?" It was really an eye-opening incident for me. I don't want to be that mother who yells at her kids when its really unecessary, I've seen it in action and not only is it nerve-wracking but its counterproductive in most situations. So, I sat there staring at that doe-eyed little angel who brings me more happiness than I could ever imagine and he smiles and kisses me....how beautiful and forgiving these little creatures are.
By the grace of God, Steven woke up and told me to sneak back in the bedroom and get some sleep. I could hear Cooper in there squealing and squawking with delight....at 4:30 in the morning! He and I were running on 2-3 hours of sleep and I have no clue how he was still going! Steven brought him back to me around 5, and he proceeded to want to play and dawdle until he finally passed out around 6...when my alarm goes off. I got up and left a voicemail for my amazingly understanding (male!) boss that I would be in late. So, I did get another 2 hours of sleep.
This boy has been a super-sleeper for a while now, barring any teething nights or illnesses, and I sat there contemplating what might be causing his restlessness and wakefulness but came up with nothing besides new teeth.
What I did come up with is guilt for not being the kind of Mom I really want to be in this situation...and in many nighttime situations. I want to be calm, nurturing, caring, and selfless. I want to be concerned more with his health, happiness, and well-being than I am with my impending 6 o'clock alarm buzzing. I want him to know that his Mommy will be there for him when he's uncomfortable and doesn't feel good or can't sleep....I don't want to be B@*$^y and impatient and worried about surviving and being halfway coherent at work on 2 hours of sleep. Other women have had to do it, and some do it with grace too....its just part of being a Mom, right? I pray and have prayed that someday (sooner than later) I'm able to find that grace and selflessness and just accept that this is bound to happen and surely will many more times in his life. It just doesn't seem like nocturnal gracefulness was ever in my cards, I'm too much of a sleep-lover.
From the words of my dear friend Tressa, his youth is only a 'short season in' my life and I will miss it when its gone, so I need to appreciate every little nighttime kiss and hug and cuddle while I can get it, even if I'm missing sleep, right?
Whille I may regret publicizing my meanness for all the world to see, my excuse is sheer exhaustion and the effects of only 4 broken hours of sleep. Plus, I thought if I blogged about it, I'd have to hold myself accountable to being a better nighttime Mom. :)
He did not fall asleep until near 11, I did not until near midnight. Then, the dreaded 2 a.m. wake up whine came...and it all went downhill from there. He was fussy at first, surely because of another evil tooth on the verge of arrival, so I gave him ibuprofen expecting he would soon feel better and be able to rest again. His plans were different, he felt better and he wanted to play! I tried my hardest to (gently) force him back to sleep for another hour, to no avail. At one point I contemplated letting him cry it out, but I wasn't built for that, some nights I wish I was. I melt at the sound of his or any child's cries, they are truly heart-wrenching to me, I sometimes wish I was a little less emotional and affected by things like that and some days I'm glad I'm so overly sensitive.
By then, it had been 2 hours already and I was cranky, to say the least. I took him out to the living room thinking maybe he hadn't had enough dinner and was hungry. I got him some Cheerios and we sat and read a book and were peaceful for a while, until he started to throw the Cheerios on the floor and try to stuff them into the couch creases...the boy is one year old and rules and commands like "No!" don't really register completely with him but I proceeded to tell him no, but I didn't just tell him, I yelled at him...several times. He looked at me with this confused and forlorn face, like "but, I thought we were having fun?" It was really an eye-opening incident for me. I don't want to be that mother who yells at her kids when its really unecessary, I've seen it in action and not only is it nerve-wracking but its counterproductive in most situations. So, I sat there staring at that doe-eyed little angel who brings me more happiness than I could ever imagine and he smiles and kisses me....how beautiful and forgiving these little creatures are.
By the grace of God, Steven woke up and told me to sneak back in the bedroom and get some sleep. I could hear Cooper in there squealing and squawking with delight....at 4:30 in the morning! He and I were running on 2-3 hours of sleep and I have no clue how he was still going! Steven brought him back to me around 5, and he proceeded to want to play and dawdle until he finally passed out around 6...when my alarm goes off. I got up and left a voicemail for my amazingly understanding (male!) boss that I would be in late. So, I did get another 2 hours of sleep.
This boy has been a super-sleeper for a while now, barring any teething nights or illnesses, and I sat there contemplating what might be causing his restlessness and wakefulness but came up with nothing besides new teeth.
What I did come up with is guilt for not being the kind of Mom I really want to be in this situation...and in many nighttime situations. I want to be calm, nurturing, caring, and selfless. I want to be concerned more with his health, happiness, and well-being than I am with my impending 6 o'clock alarm buzzing. I want him to know that his Mommy will be there for him when he's uncomfortable and doesn't feel good or can't sleep....I don't want to be B@*$^y and impatient and worried about surviving and being halfway coherent at work on 2 hours of sleep. Other women have had to do it, and some do it with grace too....its just part of being a Mom, right? I pray and have prayed that someday (sooner than later) I'm able to find that grace and selflessness and just accept that this is bound to happen and surely will many more times in his life. It just doesn't seem like nocturnal gracefulness was ever in my cards, I'm too much of a sleep-lover.
From the words of my dear friend Tressa, his youth is only a 'short season in' my life and I will miss it when its gone, so I need to appreciate every little nighttime kiss and hug and cuddle while I can get it, even if I'm missing sleep, right?
Whille I may regret publicizing my meanness for all the world to see, my excuse is sheer exhaustion and the effects of only 4 broken hours of sleep. Plus, I thought if I blogged about it, I'd have to hold myself accountable to being a better nighttime Mom. :)
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